He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
