My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
