Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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