I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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