Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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