I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
