im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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