Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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