I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
