I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize