Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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