Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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