You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize