were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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