I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
