well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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