C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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