i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
