You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
