you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
