cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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