things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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