Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
