Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize