I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
