mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
