my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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