I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
