Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
