I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I wish they made helmets for livers.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
