Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
