There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Boobs are out for the taking
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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