Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
