Just fell off a train. Bad.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
