i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
