feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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