you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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