Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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