first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
