I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
