I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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