I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I look better un-naked...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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