just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
