I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize