hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
