i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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