the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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