omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize
