4 words: hood of his car
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
