I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
