my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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