She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
