I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My penis needs a shock collar
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
