you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
