in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
