I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
