U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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