My liver just broke up with me...
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
