Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
