I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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