you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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