So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
